Director: Carlo Rodriguez
Starring: Michelle Vanegas, Cody Hinson

Buy on Amazon.com
Buy on Amazon.ca

Long, Tedious and Awful.

Because I don’t even care enough to summarize LONG PIG myself, here’s the synopsis off the website:

For more than 100 years, Halloween night has traditionally been the night that America’s “cannibal elite” feast on LONG PIG. These human predators are not some pack of in-bred, toothless, backwood hermits, nor are they deranged escaped psychopaths. They are the powerful, the wealthy, and the elite – CEOs, Senators, Congressmen, and Clergy. They feed upon those whom they deem will add to their power – beautiful young people in the prime of their virility.

LONG PIG is bad in so many ways, it’s almost pointless to list them all here … almost … ah heck, let’s try anyway.

From the home office, here’s the Top Ten Reasons LONG PIG Sucks The Big One.

10. Is anyone even trying to act? It really must have been a stretch to get a bunch of obnoxious twenty-somethings to act like a bunch of obnoxious twenty somethings.

9. Who needs character development when you can flash a name across a screen? Seriously, this thing had more characters than a Robert Altman movie and every time a new one would pop up, their name would come up on screen, as if anyone watching would immediately commit that to memory.  No joke, we get 45 minutes into the movie and new people are still being introduced.

8. Chainsaw on a pole. I worked at a Home Depot a couple summers ago and I remember this chainsaw on a pole thing they had. I thought it was a pretty stupid contraption at the time and I still thought it was pretty stupid when it was featured in LONG PIG.

7. The slasher’s warbled voice. It’s one thing to speak in a creepy voice for effect. It’s another thing to speak in such a demented way that half of your dialogue is incomprehensible.

6. Amazingly un-appealing nudity. That any woman would have taken their clothes off for this train wreck of a production is amazing.

5. Let’s get to the cannibalism already! In between the “horror” scenes, there’s sections of some of the most poorly-written dialogue this side of Bride of the Monster and they go on forever.

4. When shooting in digital goes wrong … Just because Robert Rodriguez and Peter Jackson might be able to shoot digital masterpieces doesn’t mean you and your friends can take your mini DV cameras out and do something similar. When you do it, it just looks muddy and awful.

3. Despite the presence of a thousand characters, there’s really not a single one that you’ll care enough about to root for.

2. It’s a movie with a message, MAN! As if I didn’t notice the oh-so-subtly-placed picture of George W. Bush on the desk of one of the baddies, there’s actually a mini documentary that plays at the end of the closing credits, explaining how this movie was made to honor the memory of this old lady environmental activist in Texas who battled this power company. So, really, this movie about literal cannibalism was really a parable for how our planet is being cannibalized by evil republicans. This movie makes me ashamed to be a liberal.

1. It runs for two and a half hours. Seriously.